My dad is the King of the deal. If you've known me for a long time, you've undoubtedly been the recipient of one of his freebies... maybe a 32-ounce powerade he got for $.08, or a bottle of soda the store paid HIM to take because he had so many coupons it cost him negative dollars.
Dad is also the King of amassing shit that is given away for free in the first place. I once bought a 5-lb bag of hotel shampoos and lotions to school for the kids in the club I was running. There was enough for all 60 of them.
Whenever I visit my parents, on my old bed, alongside the neatly organized collection of purple leftovers from my sister's wedding, is a bag of random stuff dad got for free or negative cost, and generally some coupons he thinks I can use- usually contact lens, cat, or feminine hygiene-related. I visit yesterday to find that dad had been to a health fair with my sister, and they were giving away NYC brand condoms. Dad thought this was the coolest. So the bag is filled with the usual- a bottle of saline, a couple of coupons for cat littler, 2 bottles of 5-hour energy for Justin, and about 3 boxes worth of NYC condoms.
Now, you'd think this would be awkward. But keep in mind that this is the same dad that bought all my tampons, pad, and pantiliners when I was young because he didn't trust mom to do the shopping. He was the one who washed all the clothes, even the underwear with the unmentionable stains that happen when you are a menstruating female. Not really sure how mom got out of that one. He was also the dad that found the first errant condom wrapper in my pocket that alerted the parental units that I was no longer "daddy's little girl." So, in the grand scheme of things, not too awkward.
We look down at this big bag of condoms and I say "wow. I'm good, dad," not AT ALL wanting to engage in a conversation about my reproductive health choices.
He says "You have to take them.... aren't they great?"
"They're great, dad."
"I have some for your cousins, too!" and he pulls out a bag of about 50 more condoms.
"Wow, dad."
I agreed to take them and leave 'em in a bowl at the door for our guests. I think this made him happy. Those condoms will find good homes tonight.
On my way out, dad rushes to the elevator and say "Hey! I forgot to ask! Do you wear hipster underwear?" I instantly deduce that dad got the same Victoria's Secret coupons in the mail that I got for free hipster panties- I have two such coupons, but I lamented that my preferred choice of thong was not on offer.
"Not really, dad," I say, "but if you have no one else to give them to, I'll take them, size small... in fact, I am CURRENTLY wearing the Victoria's secret underwear that you got me the last time they had a coupon!"
Dad say "That, Cindy, is too much information!"
Fascinating.
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