Leaving tel aviv

I can't even say "leaving Israel."  We didn't even give Israel a fair shot.

We're on the way to the airport.  I could barely sleep last night, not so much out of fear or worry, but from hours of scouring the internet planning our next move.  Did we just want to arrive early in Turkey?  It would cost 100 euros per person, as a penalty.  We couldn't even book a separate flight to Istanbul, because if you don't show up for one leg of a ticket they automatically cancel all of the rest of the flights on that ticket.  Turkey would be wonderful, and there's a lot to see outside of Istanbul, but I couldn't even start to think about where to go.  The skyscanner app/website is amazing.... You can pick your starting location and it will give you suggestions on where to go based on date of flight and cost.  The cheapest was Cyprus, at about $220 per person round trip.  Cyprus it was then.  I know nothing about Cyprus, so now I've got to research costs of hotel/airbnb, how easy and expensive it is to get around once we're there... 

When my mind moves so much it's hard for me to turn it off.

I fell asleep for a couple of hours before I decided I was unfortunately awake.  Decided to write in hopes it would help unload all that was in my mind.  That, coupled with the remainder of last night's offensive imposter of a Georgian meal, and I was almost ready to sleep.  

Until the air raid sirens went off again, about 8 am.  Justin slept through it.  It wasn't too loud.  I heard what I thought were small pops of sound.  I tell myself I am imagining things.  I am not really afraid, just unsettled, uncomfortable, and have now instinctively gone to the IDF twitter feed to see if I was hearing rocket sirens or imagining things.

I was not.

Minutes later, the street construction noise that temporarily stopped started again, and the silence was filled with people's voices once again.  Back to normal, whatever that is.  And I am still unsettled, but the fact that I really didn't feel fear makes me realize how one can become acclimated to living with a constant threat of danger.

And yet, after waking, showering, and packing, both justin and I were compelled to walk the streets, get some food.  Staying inside was not an option.  It was totally fine to leave.

And walking through the streets felt perfectly normal.  Everyone back to work, parents walking around with their kids, people laughing.  

We walk by a coffee kiosk and the purveyor smiles big and calls us over to eat or drink there.  It was so nice there, we were convinced.  Before we think of what to order, he hands us a small solo cup with a sample of icy frozen espresso, two straws, in a friendly and romantic gesture.  I cant help but to think that maybe this was something he did not regularly, but maybe because of increased tension everyone is feeling.  Maybe I'm imagining that, too.  Regardless, a kind gesture with a smile today was enough to get justin to order a big sweet, icy frozen espresso, something I have never seen him do either.

I am so embarrassed, so ashamed to be leaving.  I was sad to let our airbnb proprietor know that we were ducking out for a while.  He seemed saddened to know that we were uncomfortable enough to go.  

I feel like I was not tough enough for Israel and the Israelis were disappointed in me.  I told my former student I was leaving, and she said, "oh.  Ok.  Enjoy your trip to Cyprus."  No argument, no words of judgment, just "ok."

The American embassy in Israel has been shut down.  I guess that should make me feel better.

The girl at airport security asked a hell of a lot of questions at check-in.   "Why are you leaving" was one of them.  I told her that we were leaving because we and my parents were afraid.  She looked disappointed.  I aid I was sorry.  She shrugged and said, "my own parents left.  Left me here to join the military."  I felt less badly hearing that.

I arrived in Cyprus 2 days ago.  At the time I am writing this, according to the IDF twitter feed 548 rockets have been launched at Israel.  And literally, 1 minute ago, blasts were heard over tel aviv.  

I am no longer ashamed.  I am just sad.  And frightened that I have to go back for a day before continuing on to Istanbul.  Not so frightened of being IN tel aviv, frightened about FLYING to/from tel aviv.  I don't want to be up in the air along with the missiles.  The flight patterns into and out of Israel have already been altered considering the current state of affairs.  I'm sure they know what to do to keep us safe.  This is what they do, and they are incredibly successful.  

Justin, at first, said we made "the conservative choice."  Now we are sure... We made the RIGHT choice.  The ONLY choice.  

What a goddamn shame.  Now I no longer feel ashamed for leaving, I feel ashamed for being so ignorant and uncaring about what happens in this part of the world.  How could I not have been more angry?  How is no one talking about this on my Facebook wall right now?  And a bad as this is, at least Israel is amazing at defending themselves and LIVING.  How much war is happening RIGHT NOW, and every day I spend my life in a happy little bubble, reading buzzfeed lists and drinking fancy mixed drinks and complaining about nonsense?  

9/11 in New York and the days that followed, weeks even, were horrifying and frightening.  We were scared, angry, and it felt like a piece of our soul was ripped from us.  There was a palpable sense of sadness from everyone.  I remember a couple of days after it happened, I saw someone sitting alone, crying.  I asked her if she was ok.  I remember that I was offended by the sound of laughter.  

But how quickly did we stop being AFRAID?  Pretty quickly.  Israel doesn't need a slogan "never forget."  Because they can't possibly.  And neither can Syria, or Mogadishu, or anywhere else that a constant threat of war is upon them.

I've changed my mind.  I will visit Israel again some day.  I don't know when, but I feel like I owe them at least that.

Right now, I'm just crossing my fingers that this will be over soon.