Every now and then, I get spam emails at work asking for money. I write back to them, and see how long I can keep stringing them along. My responses always involve some trite reference to local food and sights, belittling their difficult and trying times. I don't think any of them is going to top this one, where I try to date the guy.
Edition #2: Scotty, stuck in Thailand
____
Dear Friend.
Good day to You, I am in a terrible circumstance. I came to Thailand to pay visit to my sick grandmother. My wallet was stolen and everything bad has happened to me. The hotel is in charge of my passport until i can pay my bill. I need cash money urgently so that i may return home in time to my daughter’s medical surgery.
Please send notice straight away if you can help. My bank contact said it would take 5-7 working days. Horrible timing due to my flight leaving in short time. Without my passport i cannot make my flight. I promise to make things right when i return to home and you are the only one who will help me now. I will look at my email a lot to see if you have replied.
kind regards,
Scotty Shire
____
OMG Scotty!
I am so sorry to hear about all of this… what bad things exactly happened? Were you sold into sex slavery? Did someone hurt you? Were you forced to eat durian?
I need more details; I am so eager to help.
CP
____
Dear Friend.
Thank you for the response. Yes terrible things have happened to me. I fear the worst if I can not get help from you. My cell does not work here to communicate. I have very little with me - only one socks and shirt. You are an angel I know.
If you can send $1,143 dollars to me I could get home and repay you. Can you send me straight away? You can wire the cash money to the information here via Western Union. I promise to repay you when I get home. I can have a member of the hotel assist me with the pick up.
Name: Scotty Shire
Address: Pradipat Rd, Samsen Nai, Phaya Thai, Bangkok 10400, Thailand
Amount: $1,143
When you wire me the money and contact me with the confirmation number , my life will be saved. I will always remember this.
Scotty Shire
___
Dear Scotty,
This is so terrible. I have heard so much about Thai police, that they are not very helpful and often you have to give them a bribe? How are you going to bribe them if you have no money?? This is so sad. I am so worried about you.
So I am going to get the money together, but I need a day or two because I don’t have that much money right now. I have $122 that I can send you and I am going to ask some friends from my church who I think will want to help.
Right now, I am going to go to K-Mart and get you socks. I just googled Thailand and it’s rainy season right now. How are you going to get by with only one pair of socks??? K-Mart has really good sales on socks, and I like it better than Walmart because I heard that Walmart isn’t very nice to people who work there.
http://www.kmart.com/search=socks
I don’t know if you can get internet, but if you can choose some socks that you like, I think I can spend up to $32 on socks for you!! I don’t know if it’s rainy and hot, or rainy and cold, but can you tell me what kind of socks you like. I like tall socks with green stripes!
I hope you’re hanging in there…. I really like pad thai. Are you getting good pad thai where you are? Maybe I will try to get some for dinner. I’m hungry!!!
:) CP
____
You are an angel to me!! You are my last hope! I tried to look at the socks pictures , but the internet here is not very strong and i am not able to see. There is also a market here where I can buy socks if I had money. My feet hurt very much. When you wire it to me I will go there. Please hurry. I don’t know how long i can last.
Waiting here for you.
_____
Dear Scotty!
Oh, I already bought the socks! I wish I knew that you could buy them there! I wonder what K-mart’s return policy is. L Oh, well. I guess a girl could always use more socks! ;) I have these socks, too, they are my favorite!!
Anyway, I sent an email to my church group, and I’ve gotten together another $522!!! It’s still not enough, but….. GOOD NEWS! We’re going to start an ice-bucket challenge for you!!! Have you seen the ice bucket challenge all the way from Thailand? It raised a lot of money for this thing called ALS. I don’t even know what ALS means, but if it helped those people, I bet we can get the money together for you, too!!!
So, I’m going to go to western union today after I go to k-mart to return those socks. I can send you the money I’ve raised so far, but I can’t send all of it because the thai restaurant I went to last night cost more than I thought, so I had to take some of that money. I had pad thai, AND mango sticky rice! So yummy!!!
Also, do you need some new insoles? I have flat feet, so they ache sometimes, but they really help me. I can overnight the insoles to you!
Hang in there!
CP
____
You have the angels socks! But i don’t like them for me. I do not know any ice buckets. Please when the cash money arrives I will buy socks. There is a market. Have you visited western union yet and here is my information:
Name: Scotty Shire
Address: Pradipat Rd, Samsen Nai, Phaya Thai, Bangkok 10400, Thailand
Amount: $1,143
I want no more of this food!! Please send help straight away , and make sure I know the MTCN of the wire. I am desperate. I promise I will repay when I arrive home. Time is running out.
Scotty Shire
____
Dear Scotty!
Hi!!!! :) I got out of work really late yesterday. My boss is so mean! I told him that I had a friend in Thailand who needed my help and he told me I shouldn't help you. He's not a good man. So I got to Western union and they were closed.
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I took the $522 in cash and I wrapped it in a napkin and sent it to you in the regular mail. Do you think that two stamps is enough? I wrote the envelope out in purple ink so it would stand out to the postman, and maybe you will get it faster.
I hope you're enjoying your time in Thailand!! I would love to go there for vacation. I really need a vacation. Is Thailand a country where there are a lot of coconuts. I love pina colada.
Cindy
______
Cindy ,
Your heart is made from gold!! Like a angel!! You are a golden angel !! But i’m afraid of the cash money that will never arrive to me. This country is very corrupt and the police will never let a envelope of cash money to find me. Also I will never survive enough time for cash money to travel to here. Please take the money out of the envelope and the mailbox. I must have the wire soon instead.
These days have been awful. I woke up in strange place last night. Before a artist man that lives in the beach caves told me he knew a place where I could find help near the rice farms. I say okay. We drove on the motorbike in dark rain but were found by bad men who yelled at me and took the motorbike and the food. We walked for many kilometers to the village and they will take us back to the city but on a motorbike and now i am scared of the rides. A girl is helping me to reach to you. You are the only angel i know. I am afraid of what will happen next. Please hurry with your buckets and wires so i can get back , and remember the MTCN.
kind regards ,
Scotty Shire
ส่ง จาก iPhone ของฉัน
____
Scotty,
I know bad things have happened, but you waited a whole day to reply… I can’t get that money out of the mailbox!!! How am I going to get money out of a mailbox?? Oh no! I am so sad… what if the money can’t get to you?
I am very sorry about the motorcycles. Motorcycles scare me. I really like vespas, they come in such pretty colors. I like pink ones. I bet if someone drove you on a pink vespa they would be a nice person!
I don’t know how I am going to get any more money! The rent is due next week, and I can barely afford to pay it. L Is there anyone else who can help you?? I am so worried about you, and I have been thinking about Thailand a lot. I am looking into taking a vacation there, soon!! Did you know they have a king and queen there? Also, I learned that it used to be called siam, and that’s where the name Siamese cat came from!
I hope my emails make you smile, at least, to help you in your time of suffering.
Cindy
____
Scotty Quits.
OR AT LEAST I THOUGHT SO.
I get a visit after this last email from my friends Jon and Lauren, who are usually sitting next to me while I am writing these messages. But I've been moved to the other side of the building, so I have been sending them these messages back and forth as the happen.
Today they walked over to tell me that they set up an email account under Scotty's name and THEY have been the ones sending me emails back and forth. BEST TROLLS EVER. I've never been pranked so hard. Amazing.
The best part is that last year Jon was trying to get me to Western Union someone $1.22 instead of the $1200 they wanted. So we called Western Union, and they tell us that BECAUSE OF THE PATRIOT ACT, they now keep records of where money goes in case there's a terrorist cell somewhere. Jon still wanted me to do it. I wasn't willing to go to jail over this!!
So when they walked over, I was completely convinced that they Western Unioned $$ to Scotty Shire in my name, and he was going to rape and murder me in my sleep. Man, you fuckers got me good.
Edition #2: Scotty, stuck in Thailand
____
Dear Friend.
Good day to You, I am in a terrible circumstance. I came to Thailand to pay visit to my sick grandmother. My wallet was stolen and everything bad has happened to me. The hotel is in charge of my passport until i can pay my bill. I need cash money urgently so that i may return home in time to my daughter’s medical surgery.
Please send notice straight away if you can help. My bank contact said it would take 5-7 working days. Horrible timing due to my flight leaving in short time. Without my passport i cannot make my flight. I promise to make things right when i return to home and you are the only one who will help me now. I will look at my email a lot to see if you have replied.
kind regards,
Scotty Shire
____
OMG Scotty!
I am so sorry to hear about all of this… what bad things exactly happened? Were you sold into sex slavery? Did someone hurt you? Were you forced to eat durian?
I need more details; I am so eager to help.
CP
____
Dear Friend.
Thank you for the response. Yes terrible things have happened to me. I fear the worst if I can not get help from you. My cell does not work here to communicate. I have very little with me - only one socks and shirt. You are an angel I know.
If you can send $1,143 dollars to me I could get home and repay you. Can you send me straight away? You can wire the cash money to the information here via Western Union. I promise to repay you when I get home. I can have a member of the hotel assist me with the pick up.
Name: Scotty Shire
Address: Pradipat Rd, Samsen Nai, Phaya Thai, Bangkok 10400, Thailand
Amount: $1,143
When you wire me the money and contact me with the confirmation number , my life will be saved. I will always remember this.
Scotty Shire
___
Dear Scotty,
This is so terrible. I have heard so much about Thai police, that they are not very helpful and often you have to give them a bribe? How are you going to bribe them if you have no money?? This is so sad. I am so worried about you.
So I am going to get the money together, but I need a day or two because I don’t have that much money right now. I have $122 that I can send you and I am going to ask some friends from my church who I think will want to help.
Right now, I am going to go to K-Mart and get you socks. I just googled Thailand and it’s rainy season right now. How are you going to get by with only one pair of socks??? K-Mart has really good sales on socks, and I like it better than Walmart because I heard that Walmart isn’t very nice to people who work there.
http://www.kmart.com/search=socks
I don’t know if you can get internet, but if you can choose some socks that you like, I think I can spend up to $32 on socks for you!! I don’t know if it’s rainy and hot, or rainy and cold, but can you tell me what kind of socks you like. I like tall socks with green stripes!
I hope you’re hanging in there…. I really like pad thai. Are you getting good pad thai where you are? Maybe I will try to get some for dinner. I’m hungry!!!
:) CP
____
You are an angel to me!! You are my last hope! I tried to look at the socks pictures , but the internet here is not very strong and i am not able to see. There is also a market here where I can buy socks if I had money. My feet hurt very much. When you wire it to me I will go there. Please hurry. I don’t know how long i can last.
Waiting here for you.
_____
Dear Scotty!
Oh, I already bought the socks! I wish I knew that you could buy them there! I wonder what K-mart’s return policy is. L Oh, well. I guess a girl could always use more socks! ;) I have these socks, too, they are my favorite!!
So, I’m going to go to western union today after I go to k-mart to return those socks. I can send you the money I’ve raised so far, but I can’t send all of it because the thai restaurant I went to last night cost more than I thought, so I had to take some of that money. I had pad thai, AND mango sticky rice! So yummy!!!
Also, do you need some new insoles? I have flat feet, so they ache sometimes, but they really help me. I can overnight the insoles to you!
Hang in there!
CP
____
You have the angels socks! But i don’t like them for me. I do not know any ice buckets. Please when the cash money arrives I will buy socks. There is a market. Have you visited western union yet and here is my information:
Name: Scotty Shire
Address: Pradipat Rd, Samsen Nai, Phaya Thai, Bangkok 10400, Thailand
Amount: $1,143
I want no more of this food!! Please send help straight away , and make sure I know the MTCN of the wire. I am desperate. I promise I will repay when I arrive home. Time is running out.
Scotty Shire
____
Dear Scotty!
Hi!!!! :) I got out of work really late yesterday. My boss is so mean! I told him that I had a friend in Thailand who needed my help and he told me I shouldn't help you. He's not a good man. So I got to Western union and they were closed.
I took the $522 in cash and I wrapped it in a napkin and sent it to you in the regular mail. Do you think that two stamps is enough? I wrote the envelope out in purple ink so it would stand out to the postman, and maybe you will get it faster.
I hope you're enjoying your time in Thailand!! I would love to go there for vacation. I really need a vacation. Is Thailand a country where there are a lot of coconuts. I love pina colada.
Cindy
______
Cindy ,
Your heart is made from gold!! Like a angel!! You are a golden angel !! But i’m afraid of the cash money that will never arrive to me. This country is very corrupt and the police will never let a envelope of cash money to find me. Also I will never survive enough time for cash money to travel to here. Please take the money out of the envelope and the mailbox. I must have the wire soon instead.
These days have been awful. I woke up in strange place last night. Before a artist man that lives in the beach caves told me he knew a place where I could find help near the rice farms. I say okay. We drove on the motorbike in dark rain but were found by bad men who yelled at me and took the motorbike and the food. We walked for many kilometers to the village and they will take us back to the city but on a motorbike and now i am scared of the rides. A girl is helping me to reach to you. You are the only angel i know. I am afraid of what will happen next. Please hurry with your buckets and wires so i can get back , and remember the MTCN.
kind regards ,
Scotty Shire
ส่ง จาก iPhone ของฉัน
____
Scotty,
I know bad things have happened, but you waited a whole day to reply… I can’t get that money out of the mailbox!!! How am I going to get money out of a mailbox?? Oh no! I am so sad… what if the money can’t get to you?
I am very sorry about the motorcycles. Motorcycles scare me. I really like vespas, they come in such pretty colors. I like pink ones. I bet if someone drove you on a pink vespa they would be a nice person!
I don’t know how I am going to get any more money! The rent is due next week, and I can barely afford to pay it. L Is there anyone else who can help you?? I am so worried about you, and I have been thinking about Thailand a lot. I am looking into taking a vacation there, soon!! Did you know they have a king and queen there? Also, I learned that it used to be called siam, and that’s where the name Siamese cat came from!
I hope my emails make you smile, at least, to help you in your time of suffering.
Cindy
____
Scotty Quits.
OR AT LEAST I THOUGHT SO.
I get a visit after this last email from my friends Jon and Lauren, who are usually sitting next to me while I am writing these messages. But I've been moved to the other side of the building, so I have been sending them these messages back and forth as the happen.
Today they walked over to tell me that they set up an email account under Scotty's name and THEY have been the ones sending me emails back and forth. BEST TROLLS EVER. I've never been pranked so hard. Amazing.
The best part is that last year Jon was trying to get me to Western Union someone $1.22 instead of the $1200 they wanted. So we called Western Union, and they tell us that BECAUSE OF THE PATRIOT ACT, they now keep records of where money goes in case there's a terrorist cell somewhere. Jon still wanted me to do it. I wasn't willing to go to jail over this!!
So when they walked over, I was completely convinced that they Western Unioned $$ to Scotty Shire in my name, and he was going to rape and murder me in my sleep. Man, you fuckers got me good.
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