No, we are not of Italian heritage - the sunset cruise

Joanna's more of a doer than I am.  Neither of us is into history... So we decided we weren't going to do a rum plantain tour (I mean, we've been tasting rum every day, right? Joanna says) and there's a cave with large stalagmites but we're not really excited about that, either.  But Joanna wants to go to one fancy dinner and she wants to go on this catamaran cruise, so even though I could really give a shit about either, I go along with her.  It's $80 including all drinks and buffet dinner for a four hour sunset cruise 3-7 pm. 

My friends Heather and Ryan, who come here every year, AND Davette recommend the "Cool Runnings" catamaran tour.  That's right.... Like the jamaican bobsled team movie.  I look up the number in a guide book Davette has, and it's some boat with he richest, whitest, blondest, people on it.  You know, being used to seeing ads in the states where there's always a multicolored variety of faces on it... Seeing an ad where everyone is sparkling white is a little unsettling and disconcerting.  But who am I kidding?  This is for tourists, and most of the tourists are sparkling white.  And lobster red.

We get picked up and brought to the dock.  There's a bar called the Jolly Roger and there's two very wasted tourist women screaming and shrieking and taking pictures with every black guy that passed by them.  One was unremarkable, but the other had very long bleached blond hair and a huge floppy black hat and a black lace shirt and shorts... She stuck out like a sore thumb and was loud and drunk as hell.  I started calling her "ab fab" (like British TV show) and Joanna and I were getting so much of a kick out of her ridiculousness we almost missed it when everyone started embarking.

We get on the catamaran and, big shocker, we're surrounded by Brits, mostly older, some families, and smattering of Canadian couples.  There was about 6 guys running the boat... All very handsome and very sweet, friendly, and entertaining.  They were very adept at entertaining all of us... Telling corny jokes to the kids, making the uptight Brits feel at home, and fucking around with the two American girls who think they're cooler than everyone.

It seems that the Jolly Roger bar has a Jolly Roger pirate party boat associated with it. You can't miss it... It looks like a Disney-themed pirate ship loaded with drunk white people singing "YMCA."  Joanna and I remark that we're really happy not to be on THAT boat.

If you haven't guessed, one of my pet peeves is being surrounded by massive numbers  of drunk white people.

Not 15 minutes even pass and we're anchored to snorkel.  I did NOT have a good experience the last time I snorkeled... I felt so uncomfortable breathing through that tube.  I'm slightly asthmatic, so it reminds me of not being able to breathe, which makes me nervous, which makes it harder to breathe.  A self-fulfilling prophecy.  I jump in the water, and realize that i needed to take the Invisalign out, so when I jump back in the water, I was behind the group.  I swim really quickly to everyone else, and we're surrounded by beautiful fish and three giant turtles, which you can pet.  Really awesome.  

Joanna starts reacting to the snorkeling equipment like I did in Belize, and one of the guys on the ship overhears us and tells Joanna that she's not going back, but he's going to pull her along so she can see everything.  So sweet, and so professional.  He didn't leave her side, even though there were a good 30 people on that boat.  And he was really hot to boot.  I told Joanna that she was faking, and I was gonna fake it, too, next time.

Back on the boat, and I meet the only other American.  He's probably about 45, tanned and sunstreaked hair, wearing Columbia travel gear, big fat camera.  He's from Alabama, and I have more trouble understanding him than any Bajan I've met.  He is me if he can take a pic with me.  I agree, although I have no idea why he wants a pic of me, but as soon as the woman he's with takes the camera, he whispers in my ear "you are very beautiful.  Are you of Italian heritage?  You're a great swimmer.  That's really sexy.  I liked the way your butt bounced up and down."

Uh, thanks dude,  that's.... Great.  Joanna is horrified.  I just said that I had a high tolerance and as long as he doesn't follow me around I'm not worried. 

15 minutes later, and we're anchored again to see a shipwreck.  I guess they heard Joanna was worried, because one guy comes to us and tells us we're going with him, and no one else.  I personally like to think it was because we were the only non-partnered ladies there, and we are gorgeous, and he won some kind of bet.  Either way, the whole boat went with two guys and we had our own private chaperone.  

Back on the catamaran, and we realize only an hour had passed.  We wound up talking to some really nice young couples from Nova Scotia.  We like Canadians.  They're like Americans, but nicer.  At some point, they bring out dinner: grilled fish, baked chicken, salad and vegetables.  Pretty damn good considering we were on a boat.

The music is playing, the men on the boat are spinning on the poles, and some young boy does the same.  I tell his mom that my dad always tells me that his only job in life was to keep me off the pole.  She hugs her daughter and says she's not getting on it, either.

We... Meaning Joanna, one of the Canadians, me, and the workers, are dancing.  At some point, Alabama comes over, and as If to prove me wrong, starts following me around and taking pictures of me.  He replaces "swimming" with "dancing," as in "I like the way your butt moves when you dance," and I decide to avoid him by jumping up to where Chris, the one who gave us our private snorkeling, was dj'ing and I whisper in his ear, "man, Alabama is CREEPY."

In his ear, and evidently, also on the mic that was on.

Well, he didn't bother me for the rest of the ride.

He went to Joanna instead.  "You of Italian heritage?"  He asks.  She wasn't having it for a second.